My Stammer and me

Forgotten skills

2009-10-28T18:03:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to say thank you to Paul et al on Boards.ie for starting a poetry section. I remember writing stuff on the backs of books in secondary school - I loved English - Just hated the time spent in class.

Anways at the moment its gone 1am I'm sitting in pitch black in my living room (everyone else is gone to bed ages ago) I've been studying most of the night and am stoned on coffee and..well...more coffee.

In the space of the last twenty minutes I've posted two poems "out of thin air" on Boards. They show where I've come from in my head to where I am now...

The new me!

There I sat broken hearted,
Tried to speak and never started.
I opened mouth but nothing came out,
yet in my head my voice cried out.

Now I stand Now I've started
I've found my voice, the silence - departed.
and if I stammer - If I stop
I don't care - I'm **** hot!

Charlie - The poet I never knew !

Then and now

My entire body was burning
I could feel the flames
coursing my veins
as I tried to speak out
Lost words stalked my dreams
with classroom scenes and wispered voices

I took a turn - some brand new chances
to make a change - to make advances
I've turned my head, I've turned a corner.
new wisdom - I'm stronger.

Charlie Boswell

Practice - Just doing it!

2009-10-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'm a lousy blogger! I know! I Blog when I remember that I have forgotten about blogging for a while!

Consistency is the key!
How do you make an effort to...make an effort? If you get what I mean. Getting my head straight now seems to be the easy piece! It’s being consistently good at keeping the physical side of my stammer in check is now the struggle!

I need help with a couple of things I am struggling with; the first is how do I exercise during the winter months? For the summer I used get up and either go for a walk or a good cycle before work most mornings, 6am - It was bright, sunny and for the most part dry. Even when I slept in I could go out for an hour after work. Now I get up and its dark, I get home - and it’s dark. I have an exercise bike but it’s not the same. Has anyone any good ideas on how I can turn this around??

The second thing is to do directly with using a technique to break out of a block. When it does happen - As I've said I can pretty much keep control of my "negative self" but when things do slip I need to be able - and confident that I can break out quickly and effectively every time - reboot - gather my thoughts and continue with what I was saying. I'm going to explore this a bit more over the coming days/weeks (and hopefully get my thoughts and yours) on how best to structure this.

Always..Thanks for reading this and a special thanks to my one new Follower!! hey I must be getting good at this blogging lark!

Charlie

My Discovery.

2009-08-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

Below is a brief summary of an article I read recently, It appeared in the Journal of Speech, Language and hearing Research. The title of the article is “An Experimental Clinical trial of a cognitive-behaviour therapy package for chronic stuttering.” For me, the article supports my frame of thinking that whatever the cause of my stammer may be, by tackling the psychological aspects of my “social phobia” This research, however ordinary it may be to the academic or medical world, the support it gives to my theory is having a profound affect on me...and my stammer.

Purpose: The aims of the present study were to (a) examine the rate of social phobia among adults who stutter, (b) study the effects of speech restructuring treatment on social anxiety, and (c) study the effects on anxiety and stuttering of a cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT) package for social anxiety.

Method: Thirty-two adults with chronic stuttering were randomly allocated to receive either speech restructuring following a CBT package for social anxiety or speech restructuring alone. Data were obtained on a variety of speech and psychological measures at pre-treatment, post-CBT, post–speech restructuring, and 12 months

follow-up.

Results: Sixty percent of our cohorts were diagnosed with social phobia. Speech restructuring treatment alone had no impact on the social phobia of our cohort at 12 months follow-up. At follow-up, participants who had received CBT showed no social phobia and greater improvements than control participants on a range of psychological measures of anxiety and avoidance. However, the CBT package made no difference to the speech outcomes of those with social phobia.

Conclusion: The CBT treatment was associated with significant and sustained improvements in psychological functioning but did not improve fluency.

(Menzies Et Al, 2008 Journal of Speech, Language and hearing Research P1451)

For as long as I have stammered I have always had a fear or anxiety of various speaking situations, I wouldn’t dream of ordering in a restaurant or asking for something in a shop, Couldn’t say my name in class, and never spoke out in a group. In more recent years I began to gain more confidence and came “out of my shell” hugely, I went to college, Got a job, married and did all the normal things everyone did but I still had/have what I know as “social anxiety” The difference in the last year though is that I have slowly chipped away at this and grown hugely in confidence, so much so that I feel I am at a crossroads in my life, I am standing, looking back at where I have come from and deciding where I should go?

I have learned recently that to “decide” in Latin is to “cut off” to disregard every other bar one – the path you choose to take. For me it is like the end of the Castaway film with Tom Hanks, He’s in the middle of nowhere, a crossroads in front of him.

Do I continue to allow this “social anxiety” and my stammer control who am I, or do I choose not to stammer anymore? Mmmm tough choice!

I have realised something, I have always called my speech impediment a “stammer” others call it a “stutter” I have always subconsciously considered it as only the physical aspect of a block when I speak, the inability to get the words out. But I now realise, I now define my stammer in a much broader context. My stammer is the social anxiety I feel when I block. It is the anticipation, fear, anxiety, frustration, anger, resentment and downright hate I feel when I block.

In recent posts on this blog I have touched on this, the emotional side to my stammer but never in such a profound way for me. I now have a definition (to be refined no doubt) But I now know that for years I have been making a common mistake of trying to treat the physical aspect of my speech while for the most part ignoring the iceberg under the water!!

I did it recently when for a whole day, and a couple of days after I choose not to stammer, and from here on, from this day on, Thursday 27^th August 2009 I am choosing to no longer allow myself to give into the negative thoughts and feelings I have when I block! To no longer “stammer” in the same why I have for years.

I have long held a belief that I started stammering after a teacher hit me when I was a young boy in school, I don’t think this was the case now, I was born with a speech impediment, a neurological disorder that causes me to block intermittently when I speak. The teacher (Mrs Barnes by the way) probably laid down the bedrock for my anxiety when I tried to speak in class and couldn’t.

From my reading of various books and listening to Anthony Robbins and other motivational speakers I have finally realised that it is I that have chosen to allow these negative feeling to continue all these years, Me blaming the teacher, school yard bullies and so on was a cop out. I’m not being hard on myself, I didn’t know, I couldn’t have had. Those around me, My parents, teachers and even the speech therapists - I now know that they did not fully understand my stammer, They couldn’t have.

I DO...TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY...YEEHAW!!

References

Ross G. Menzies Et Al: An Experimental Clinical Trial of a Cognitive-Behavior Therapy Package for Chronic Stuttering. Journal of Speech, Language, and Hearing Research • Vol. 51 • 1451–1464 • December 2008 • D American Speech-Language-Hearing Association

Downloaded from: http://web.ebscohost.com.remote.library.dcu.ie/ehost/pdf?vid=2&hid=106&sid=39960084-e0fc-4f5c-b02c-84b60b02e178@sessionmgr11

On 27/08/09

PS . I'm not sure if people will be able to download the article referenced above as I have access to these through the college I attend. I can't upload it as it would be a breach of copyright but I can email if anyone is looking for it.

It takes work but it is possible

2009-08-24T12:41:00.000-07:00

So, How have I been getting on? pretty good as it happens, at this point I definetly believe that my mental state has a lot to do with controling my stammer. Today for example, I had to go through my daily briefing in work and got a last minute presentation dropped on my desk, when I say last minute I mean 2 minutes before going into the room!

I had been feeling pretty good anyway and I flicked through the pages, and decided that this would be no trouble to speak through this stuff, So I did! LOL. I had stuff prepared outside this anyway and used a "grounding" technique to help me relax and keep control of the physical attributes of my stammer. I kept eye contact!! looked around the room nodded in self approvement and got a couple of smiles in return!

On another note I have noticed that alcohol definetly has a negative effect on my stammer. I went on the piss Friday night and although was confident and had a great time while I was out, the following morning I was tired, I wasn't in the humour to keep myself from getting into blocks and too tired to get out of them.? I do like the occasional drink and really enjoy going out with friends, But how do I negate the effects of a night on the beer?? probably a centuries old question!

Hey, I got my first comment of the year today!! Thanks Mark!! I Look forward to sharing ideas and experiences with you!

As always, Don't be shy, If you want to leave any feedback, There's no such thing as bad feedback.

Charlie

I Decided NOT to stammer today

2009-08-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to "Personal Power" again for the second or third time at this stage, trying to get as much as I can out of the program. I was listening to day two yesterday evening "Pain and Pleasure" when a thought suddenly hit me,

What if I could decide NOT to stammer!!

I sat down for about an hour or so and thought about this, Imagine it, Decide not to stammer, could it be that simple? surely not. Could I just decide to not take any notice of the negative thoughts and feelings? could I decide to use my Airflow technique without fail? Does it work that way? Could I decide to keep eye contact in a conversation like any other person?

I had so many questions, so many ideas about how, If this could work what would it mean? I'm still trying to figure this one out!

Let me tell you how my day went... I went to work, as part of the management team I had our usual morning meeting to get ready for, Stats and daily reports in hand in I went. The meeting was shorter than normal and before I could get my chance to do my briefing the GM said "OK that's it." At this point I'd normally give a mental sign, Thank God that I wasn't put under the usual pressure, not only to get work done but also that I didn't have to speak and risk stammering. But not today! "Andrew, I have a few things I need to go through.." and off I went.

I made phone calls, spoke to customers, colleagues all without the usual tense apprehension I normally carried with me into every conversation.

Don't get me wrong, I did stammer, I was definitely 100% more fluent.

I Just read out loud this blog to my wife, I decided not to stammer before I started and I read it, OUT LOUD.

Is this is my Epiphany.???

So..Where I am now - Know your emotions!

2009-08-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

Its easy to notice that I'm not a seasoned blogger! I know I should be posing more often but to be honest there is so much I want to cover I just don't know where to start. So this is just a quick post.

Things I am focused on:

Listening to my emotions - learning to recognise an emotional signal and take action immediately to resolve what ever it is telling me.

Getting physically fit - I really believe that by getting physically fit I can control my breathing more, By toning up and using my stomach/abdomen muscles more I can use diaphramatic breathing more easily. I remember when I first learned this technique way back in speech therapy all those years ago I used be exhausted every day from using the technique, I think this was because I wasn't fit.

Sticking to my Massive action plan - This is difficult! I keep having to go back and look at my reasons for what I want, when I don't follow through on an action plan I know I didn't have a strong enough "must" to do it.

I've attached an image of a mind map I did on my emotions (based on the "personal power" CD by Anthony Robbins)

New Beginnings

2009-07-24T15:12:00.000-07:00

Here I am - Again, I started this blog over a year ago and forgot about it for a while, I started to focus on my speech again about a year ago and forgot about it for a while...But now I'm back!

What's different? I hear you ask, well a lot really, I think it has taken me this long to figure out a strategy for tackling my issues. I've come to the conclusion that my stammer comes from a compounding of lots of issues over the years. Every set back I had compounded on the last, Every knock I took built on top of my fear, anxiety and every other negative emotion I had to do with my speech.

My strategy is a simple one: chunk down my speech issues into smaller pieces and tackle it piece by piece. The largest of these are my emotions, coming to terms with my negative states and learning to recognise the messages I get from these emotions. and then changing my state.

A lot of what I'm going to be blogging about is influenced by my reading of books by Stephen Covey, Tony Robbins and I cannot recommend enough that everybody reading this reads or listens to what these guys (among others) have to say.

Enough for now..More later. As always thanks for reading this and any feedback you have, good or bad is greatly received.

Motivation

2008-03-20T12:34:00.000-07:00

I should start by apologizing to myself, For once again starting off with a goal in mind and then leaving it drift off like pushing a paper boat out to sea - watching it drift away. Well over the last couple of weeks that’s what I have done. Fuck All!

I certainly have pushed out my comfort zones, I had started to make a lot more disclosures to family and friends, even my boss in work and guys working for me in the office. But have I put in the hard work that is needed to achieve what I set out in earlier blogs? No, I don't think so.

I have tried a few times working on keeping eye contact, sometimes with success, other times looking away as soon as I open my mouth. As I have probably said before, I have signed up for the McGuire course in April, but I'm worried that I'll piss away the knowledge I'll gain when I start to lose interest or motivation in another couple of week after it When I signed up for it at the start of the year I was looking forward to it, Earlier in the week for the first time I caught myself starting to panic at the thought of going to the course.

So here I am, writing from the cuff, and I suppose after three months the best way to get motivated again is to review my progress. So here goes....

One of my initial goals was to push out my comfort zones around my speech and my stammering. The most recent attempt at this was yesterday, I went into Halfords in Cork to buy a new bicycle for myself, and spent about a half hour chatting to the assistant in the store, admittedly he was about half my age and to be honest I think he was more nervous serving customers than I was with my speech.

I also made a disclosure to my brother, I know it sounds crazy but we have never actually talked about it, I think it makes him a little uncomfortable, I only mentioned in passing about attending the McGuire course but to me it was a first. by the by...he barely acknowledged I had said anything.

I made a disclosure to a couple of people in work and these went well, I'm actually surprised at how different my perception of my speech is to the perception others have of my stammer. Most said that it was never something they really took any notice of. That surprised me - and gave me heart.

In his book (which I started reading and then put down again) Stephen Covey says that to succeed at anything, a person must have three things; Knowledge, Skill, and desire. If I apply this to my situation I have the knowledge, I am aware of my stammer and how it affects me. I have the Desire to change, to change my comfort zones, to change my perception of my stammer and how I perceive others perceiving me ( if that makes sense!)

I think where I am is I lack the skill, the skills and techniques to start making the big steps forward with my speech. That's where the McGuire course is going to come in...I hope.

Ok...I know where I am....I know where I'm going..again..My adrenalin is pumping again at the thought of tackling my speech.

I'm going to have some fun now and ring a hotel and push out my comfort zone some more by intentionally stammering...something which I am dead against but I know that it is something they recommend in the McGuire Program

I'll keep you posted on how I get on.

As always thanks for reading this, any comments or ideas around how you keep motivated with your challenges, not necessarily speech problems let me know.

Charlie.

The interview – The one I didn’t expect.

2008-02-24T11:48:00.000-08:00

When I first sent of my CV I was aiming for jobs that I knew I could get but didn’t really want as I already have a very good job, Sounds a bit crazy I know but I wanted the experience of doing interviews and getting over all my fears of stammering in an interview situation.

Then about two weeks ago I got a call from a guy in an agency saying he had a job that he thought I should apply for, I spoke for about 20 minutes on the phone to him and monitored my speech and what I would call behavioral ticks such as covering my face when I was under pressure or keeping my hand on my head as if I was in panic mode when I stammer. That call went ok and I thought that would be the end of it (As the job was a very senior management role which I didn’t think I’d get near.)

Then last week I get a call back from the same guy asking me to attend an interview with the company, Surprised, I agreed. Straight away all the usual thoughts came rushing through my head, “How will I introduce myself” “How will I talk about my current role” “what if I stammer, what if I implode in front of these people and blow my chances.”

Here’s the thing though, I now have a new voice in my head telling me I’ll be fine, Relax, You can nail this if you prepare. I read a very good post from one of the guys on stutteringforums.com which said that he decided “not to give his stammer centre stage in his life anymore” and that is exactly what I have done. Instead of worrying about my speech, I prepared for the interview.

How I prepared
I started by getting hold of sample questions that I knew I could be asked, and recorded myself asking these questions on a Dictaphone. Then I set up my Camera and recorded a complete dry run of the interview. When I watched this back I was able to pick up on anything I needed to be aware around my speech and also what my answers were like. This was invaluable! I have a soft copy of the questions I prepared for if anyone wants them drop me a mail.

The Interview.
I was interviewed by a panel of two, One male (Company Director), One female (HR Director). At the very start of the interview I couldn’t say my current employer’s name which was all down to nerves but quickly recovered and relaxed. I was asked a couple of tough questions which I had not prepared for but stayed calm and answered them very well (I think!) Overall I was in there almost an hour and I left with my head held high and thrilled that at least in my eyes I did a very good interview. Apart from the small hiccup at the start my speech was never an issue.

I’m still waiting to hear back whether I get to the next round of interviews ( three in total !) so I’ll keep you posted.

As always thanks for taking the time to read this, If you have any comments or questions as always, they are more than welcome.

Charlie.

Is there a cure?

2008-02-13T01:08:00.000-08:00

This is part of a reply to a post on http://www.stutteringforum.com/ asking the question above I'd recommend to anyone that they join this site as it is a great outlet for people with speech difficulties like me.

I can only speak for myself here and would never assume anyone is in the same boat as I but I believe that the stammer has two parts

1. The Medical part: There is no known cure for that, doctors don't understand it yet, The way I picture them is like a lay person standing in front of a nuclear reactor with somebody beside them saying "tell me how it works" It will take decades, or centuries to fully figure out how speech works, not to mind say figure out why it doesn't.

2. The psychological part: From the very first moment we discover we cannot speak we started building avoidances to cope with it. Along with them came fear, anxiety and everything emotion we go through when we speak. Is there a cure, No, Can we be happy with ourselves and not allow our speech to dominate our lives. (my Life) I think we(I) can.

Break the habits, and it can be done, People can stop smoking, lose enormous amounts of weight, give up drinking change behaviors, all addictive habits.

Learn and master technique: whatever works for you, personally I've decided to try the McGuire program this coming April in Ireland.

Stay Motivated, I've got my son to thank for that, He's now my engine, my dynamo, the harder and faster I pedal, the brighter my light will shine!

It may be a very long road but the hardest part I have found so far is deciding to get on it.
Charlie.

PS. I've started reading "The seven habits of highly effective people" by Richard Covey I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to start their journey.

PSPS...LOL IF you've read all of this...Thanks for staying with me, I think I'll post this on my blog...I feel great today! I'll keep this feeling for when I don't.

Looking for acceptance

2008-02-10T01:57:00.000-08:00

This will only be a quick note as I'm sort of thinking off the top of my head, I'm looking for opinions and suppose I should post this on a board.

Do you think that we look for acceptance more than fluent speakers?

What I mean is have you ever noticed that "normal speakers" can say almost anything without stammering or stuttering or blocking or anything like that. Whereas we (me) I tend to think about what I'm going to say consider the consquences in so far as who's going to say what in reply and whether or not they will reply in positive or negative. Should I give a shit??

If people don't like what I have to say that is their problem. I'm not talking about being offensive or rude to anybody but simple, silly things like asking a family member or friend for a favour, almost subconscienciously I'm auditing their response for rejection even before I ask the question.

I've spent years alone in my head, every negative thought reinforcing the previous one and compounding my fears and anxiety around my speech. I've never really made a proper connection with anyone enough to talk about this but today....I'm going to start. Maybe it has nothing to do with my stammer, maybe it has, and therein lies the challenge.

The Interview

2008-02-02T13:43:00.000-08:00

I was 16 when I got my first job, it was as a car tire fitter and it was through my brother, who had worked in the garage previous to me that I got the job. He pulled a few strings and I was told to show up the following morning (that was the end of my summer! And it was only the first week in June) at the time my speech was a major issue for me, I had been through a tough time in school that year and would often come home exhausted having tried to get through the day without having to say anything. The big morning came and to the best of my memory I don’t think I had thought too much about how I would introduce myself, Remember I hadn’t gone through any interview and the manager had never laid eyes on me before!

When I Got to the Garage I rode in on my bicycle and walked up to the guy in the office, “Hi my name is…….” And that was as far as I got. I broke out in a bog of sweat and after about an hour the manager was able to find out who I was and why I was there! For the first couple of weeks after that I don’t think I said two words in there, I just did what I was told and things went fine.

Jump fifteen years or so years to today, having gone through speech therapy and dozens of interviews since, some good some bad I’m a successful Senior Manager and a different person in many ways to that teenager back then. Even though my speech is 100 times better, I still have a stammer, and more to the point I still avoid situations and words that I “know” I’ll get stuck on. So to start to put an end to these avoidances I’m tackling them one by one. This week it was the Interview.

I suppose it wasn’t really as I expected because I had no intention of changing jobs, but even still I felt the usual butterflies and tension before going in. It was a relatively small agency hiring for Management positions.

My first hurdle was having imagined and played through my entrance a couple of times to prepare, When I got to the front door I had to press a buzzer to get in,

“Hi Charlie Boswell, I have an appointment with Catriona for 1:15pm”

I noticed I blocked on my name briefly and also on “Catriona” but not so bad as to appear silent.

Having filled out the usual forms I was ushered into a small office and started the interview. There was nothing that I hadn’t prepared for and after about 45 minutes it was all over. The biggest negative was that after about 5 minutes I started to sweat like a pig waiting for slaughter, This is something I’ll have to research and work on more as it happens anytime I’m put under pressure in a speaking situation, whether I’m fluent or not.

My tips and advice for an Interview.
Preparation is the key I know it’s the old cliché but it is true, even more so for somebody with a stutter or stammer. How I prepared was to rehearse all the usual questions I would be asked and also for anything that if I was asked would make me feel uncomfortable or under pressure. I also worked a lot on my mental preparation, I’m reading Stephen Covey’s book The Seven Habits of highly Effective People at the moment, and a lot of what he says can be applied to preparing for an interview.

Just into the first habit “Be Proactive” he discusses how people can choose their response to any given situation or person, I have a stammer, I can either choose to accept that and focus my attention on finding the knowledge, skills and desire to become more fluent and more comfortable with myself and my speech, or, I can listen to all my negative thoughts and feeling and continue down a path of life long low confidence, low self esteem, avoidances and so on. I hope you can guess the path I’m on!

So I chose to be relaxed, and when I did stammer, I didn’t allow myself any negative thoughts or feelings get the better of me.

Tip 1: “I can choose to have a positive or negative experience in this interview” Failing to prepare is preparing to fail.

Tip 2: Be proactive, Set up interviews for jobs you know you don’t really want, you can review them afterward, see it as practice for the big interview you are aiming for.

Tip 3: I bring a piece of paper with me everywhere these days, on it are seven key beliefs of high achievers, which I read in a Paul McKenna’s “Instant Confidence” book a while ago, they struck a chord with me when I first read them and I read them now at least once a day
They are:

Seven key beliefs of high achievers.
1. You are the expert on you
2. You are not broken, you do not need to be fixed
3. You already have all the resources you need to succeed
4. You can accomplish anything if you break it into small enough chunks
5. If what you are doing is not working, try something else
6. There is no such thing as failure, Only feedback
7. You are creating your future NOW!

Finally,
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I hope it makes sense. If you can take even one thing out of it that’s a start!

As always any comments greatly appreciated.

Charlie.

Experiments begin!

2008-01-17T12:12:00.000-08:00

I'm off to a relatively good start, I've decided to tackling my avoidances, Last Saturday I went into a local shopping centre with two objectives, I wanted to buy a book and also get my son's feet measured.

So experiment one was to go in to the book store and ask for a "book on memory techniques". I had no problems, kept Eye contact, was perfectly fluent, the shop assistant checked for a book and even though they didn't have any she recommended anything by Tony Buzan, I took the opportunity to repeat what she had said, "what was that name again? Tony Buzan?" not a hitch.

The second experiment proved a little tougher, on the first attempt I walked into a packed shoe shop, full of mothers sitting around chatting and waiting for the same thing, this in any man's day would be stressful, so I walked out. Not to be put off I regained me composure and walked back in after a couple of minutes, this time I had no bother!. My preparation in thinking about my body language and keeping myself open and with a smile definitely helped.

Reading the blog
This was a lot tougher, I set up the camcorder and printed out the blog, pressed record and BAM not a fecking word I had one of the worst blocks in ages, probably longer than 30 - 40 seconds. I do get though it and relaxed, when I watched it back I've picked up on one or two things that I avoided and how that looked on camera. I also did a piece at the end just ad libbing and was very fluent in that piece. Doing it in front of people though (namely my wife) will be my real goal, She thinks I over analyze my speech too much, I know I don't and getting over the awkward feelings of reading this on camera in front of her will be a real challenge.

I’ll have a stammer and a pint of inadequately please

2008-01-05T13:01:00.000-08:00

This might be a strange place to start my blog but I guess its as good as any. Over the holidays my father in law passed away, This for anyone is a hard time to get though, and I wish I could have been there more for my wife than what I was, I comforted her when she needed it, shouldered the coffin and shook hands with everyone offering condolences. But the truth be told I could have done much more had it not been for my stammer.

When it came to making phone calls to the funeral home, friends and family, I was on a scale of one to ten, probably a four or lower, I could see from her face that it was hard enough without having to sit there waiting for me to ask questions of the funeral director while I struggled to get the words out. In the end she’d take the phone or I’d just hand it over and go into another room. I knew what to ask or say, or maybe I didn’t but the point is that I couldn’t get the words out. Don’t get me wrong I can appear relatively fluent to most people most of the time but using avoidances but if it comes to a situation I can’t avoid, I stammer.

Iceberg dead ahead...
I’m beginning to come to the conclusion that there is no one factor, but a number of things that I’m going to have to work hard on to overcome and perfect methods to deal with them. Yes I have a stammer/stutter call it what you will, it is a condition that makes it difficult for me to speak sometimes, to tackle this I’m going to have to use breathing and soft contact techniques to enable me to get over words that I stammer on. Below the surface of my iceberg there is a whole raft of emotions going on that I will need to deal with one by one. The problem I’m going to have is keeping motivated and focused on the tasks I need to set myself and not allow myself get distracted along the way.

If I begin to scratch the surface I can admit to feeling inadequate or unprepared for the situation I find myself in, It can be triggered by anything, the anticipation of a difficult word, the body language of the person I am about to speak to, bad memories of a similar situation in the past.

Defining success (fluency)
This needs to be my starting point, If I don’t know where I want to get to how can I plan to get there? Success for me would be getting rid of the negative feelings that have been a part of me and my stammer (my stammer and I!) for all these years.

Success for me will be when…
The day comes that I can write in this blog and feel that I have had a day where I did not feel the negative feelings about my speech, not even once, To be able to read this blog aloud to my wife and not having the feelings of worry or impending panic because I can see a word that I used fear. Not fearing or avoiding any words.

What I need to succeed.
Airflow & soft contacts technique
I was thought this when I attended speech therapy years ago as a teenager, it it worked wonders because I used it.

Positive mental attitude
Ah the old cliché! But to be honest this is what I need, to realize that in every situation I find myself in I can have all the tools, techniques and attitudes I need to be fluent.

Commitment to tackle avoidances
If I’m going to succeed I need to break the habit of a lifetime and tackle head on all the avoidances I have, everything from not keeping eye contact to avoiding saying “Quarter pounder” and pointing at the board in McDonalds.

Support
I’m not going to be able to do this without the support of my family, This means talking to them about my stammer. This is one big avoidance in itself, and should make for good reading!!

How am I going to succeed?
Experiment
Committing to one experiment a day. These experiments will be with specific objectives and goals to be achieved and giving me honest feedback to myself and looking for feedback from others. This is where you, Joe public can help. Since I’m guessing that most people that read this will be fellow stammerers I need you to suggest situations that you find difficult to speak in, if I can use this as a benchmark I can monitor my progress.

Practice
I’m going to practice my speech by reading this blog aloud once complete. Video it and watch it back once a week. As well as that I’m going to find out about me local toastmaster club and join, should be a good measure of my iceberg.

Feedback
From you, myself, my friends and family. To use another cliché, What gets measured, gets managed.

Here’s to great 2008
Thanks for taking the time to read this, any comments would be greatly received.

In the beginning

2007-12-22T16:20:00.000-08:00

This is something I've wanted to try for a while; I've tried keeping a diary but never get beyond page two! Maybe this will be different.

A bit of background on Charlie
I've stammered all my life with varying degrees of severity, In the last couple of years (now in my 30's) I have matured a lot and accept my stammer as part of me. Like many others I am very skeptical of any "blue pills" or other rabbit hole wonder cures that are out there.

I tackle my stammer by constantly working to increase and maintain my confidence level. I say constantly but truth be told my effort rises and falls like the tide, I'll read a new book or have a bad day and I'm reinforced to focus on my speech for another few weeks, I'm hoping that by keeping this blog it will keep me focused for my mission in 2008 (more about that later).

When I was younger I went to speech therapy with a good deal of success (for a time). What I'm interested at the moment is exploring my stammer and trying to push out my comfort zone to try situations that I would normally avoid, my biggest bad habit is not keeping eye contact when I block. Anyway I’m sure I'll fill in more of the gaps as I go along.

PS for any "fluent" readers reading this firstly welcome! Secondly If you read this and think "Christ this is sad" try the little experiment below to see what it is like to be a stammerer.

Understand a stammer's perspective
You'll need a friends help for this, During a day ask your friend to walk behind you and every so often give you a little slap on the head (not hard enough to hurt, just to make you aware they are there) This has to be completely random and in different situations, i.e. in a shop asking for a packet of cigarettes, when another friend comes by to say hello, when your placing an order in a restaurant.

Your accomplice must be totally committed to this and be completely random, sometimes leaving you be completely uninterrupted - other times only slapping you on specific words or not letting you get a single word out. Sounds funny at first, but it gets very ******* annoying after a while I assure you.

Things to look out for.
- Other people's reactions
- Your level of anxiety when you are about to say something
- Try telling somebody what you are doing and see if they understand enough to stay and wait for you to speak.
- You've read this and thought "no way could I do that"

Remember, this is only for one day or even a couple of hours, Think about having this every day of your life.