Motivation

I should start by apologizing to myself, For once again starting off with a goal in mind and then leaving it drift off like pushing a paper boat out to sea - watching it drift away. Well over the last couple of weeks that’s what I have done. Fuck All!

I certainly have pushed out my comfort zones, I had started to make a lot more disclosures to family and friends, even my boss in work and guys working for me in the office. But have I put in the hard work that is needed to achieve what I set out in earlier blogs? No, I don't think so.

I have tried a few times working on keeping eye contact, sometimes with success, other times looking away as soon as I open my mouth. As I have probably said before, I have signed up for the McGuire course in April, but I'm worried that I'll piss away the knowledge I'll gain when I start to lose interest or motivation in another couple of week after it When I signed up for it at the start of the year I was looking forward to it, Earlier in the week for the first time I caught myself starting to panic at the thought of going to the course.

So here I am, writing from the cuff, and I suppose after three months the best way to get motivated again is to review my progress. So here goes....

One of my initial goals was to push out my comfort zones around my speech and my stammering. The most recent attempt at this was yesterday, I went into Halfords in Cork to buy a new bicycle for myself, and spent about a half hour chatting to the assistant in the store, admittedly he was about half my age and to be honest I think he was more nervous serving customers than I was with my speech.

I also made a disclosure to my brother, I know it sounds crazy but we have never actually talked about it, I think it makes him a little uncomfortable, I only mentioned in passing about attending the McGuire course but to me it was a first. by the by...he barely acknowledged I had said anything.

I made a disclosure to a couple of people in work and these went well, I'm actually surprised at how different my perception of my speech is to the perception others have of my stammer. Most said that it was never something they really took any notice of. That surprised me - and gave me heart.

In his book (which I started reading and then put down again) Stephen Covey says that to succeed at anything, a person must have three things; Knowledge, Skill, and desire. If I apply this to my situation I have the knowledge, I am aware of my stammer and how it affects me. I have the Desire to change, to change my comfort zones, to change my perception of my stammer and how I perceive others perceiving me ( if that makes sense!)

I think where I am is I lack the skill, the skills and techniques to start making the big steps forward with my speech. That's where the McGuire course is going to come in...I hope.

Ok...I know where I am....I know where I'm going..again..My adrenalin is pumping again at the thought of tackling my speech.

I'm going to have some fun now and ring a hotel and push out my comfort zone some more by intentionally stammering...something which I am dead against but I know that it is something they recommend in the McGuire Program

I'll keep you posted on how I get on.

As always thanks for reading this, any comments or ideas around how you keep motivated with your challenges, not necessarily speech problems let me know.

Charlie.

The interview – The one I didn’t expect.

When I first sent of my CV I was aiming for jobs that I knew I could get but didn’t really want as I already have a very good job, Sounds a bit crazy I know but I wanted the experience of doing interviews and getting over all my fears of stammering in an interview situation.

Then about two weeks ago I got a call from a guy in an agency saying he had a job that he thought I should apply for, I spoke for about 20 minutes on the phone to him and monitored my speech and what I would call behavioral ticks such as covering my face when I was under pressure or keeping my hand on my head as if I was in panic mode when I stammer. That call went ok and I thought that would be the end of it (As the job was a very senior management role which I didn’t think I’d get near.)

Then last week I get a call back from the same guy asking me to attend an interview with the company, Surprised, I agreed. Straight away all the usual thoughts came rushing through my head, “How will I introduce myself” “How will I talk about my current role” “what if I stammer, what if I implode in front of these people and blow my chances.”

Here’s the thing though, I now have a new voice in my head telling me I’ll be fine, Relax, You can nail this if you prepare. I read a very good post from one of the guys on stutteringforums.com which said that he decided “not to give his stammer centre stage in his life anymore” and that is exactly what I have done. Instead of worrying about my speech, I prepared for the interview.

How I prepared
I started by getting hold of sample questions that I knew I could be asked, and recorded myself asking these questions on a Dictaphone. Then I set up my Camera and recorded a complete dry run of the interview. When I watched this back I was able to pick up on anything I needed to be aware around my speech and also what my answers were like. This was invaluable! I have a soft copy of the questions I prepared for if anyone wants them drop me a mail.

The Interview.
I was interviewed by a panel of two, One male (Company Director), One female (HR Director). At the very start of the interview I couldn’t say my current employer’s name which was all down to nerves but quickly recovered and relaxed. I was asked a couple of tough questions which I had not prepared for but stayed calm and answered them very well (I think!) Overall I was in there almost an hour and I left with my head held high and thrilled that at least in my eyes I did a very good interview. Apart from the small hiccup at the start my speech was never an issue.

I’m still waiting to hear back whether I get to the next round of interviews ( three in total !) so I’ll keep you posted.

As always thanks for taking the time to read this, If you have any comments or questions as always, they are more than welcome.

Charlie.

Is there a cure?

This is part of a reply to a post on http://www.stutteringforum.com/ asking the question above I'd recommend to anyone that they join this site as it is a great outlet for people with speech difficulties like me.

I can only speak for myself here and would never assume anyone is in the same boat as I but I believe that the stammer has two parts

1. The Medical part: There is no known cure for that, doctors don't understand it yet, The way I picture them is like a lay person standing in front of a nuclear reactor with somebody beside them saying "tell me how it works" It will take decades, or centuries to fully figure out how speech works, not to mind say figure out why it doesn't.

2. The psychological part: From the very first moment we discover we cannot speak we started building avoidances to cope with it. Along with them came fear, anxiety and everything emotion we go through when we speak. Is there a cure, No, Can we be happy with ourselves and not allow our speech to dominate our lives. (my Life) I think we(I) can.

Break the habits, and it can be done, People can stop smoking, lose enormous amounts of weight, give up drinking change behaviors, all addictive habits.

Learn and master technique: whatever works for you, personally I've decided to try the McGuire program this coming April in Ireland.

Stay Motivated, I've got my son to thank for that, He's now my engine, my dynamo, the harder and faster I pedal, the brighter my light will shine!

It may be a very long road but the hardest part I have found so far is deciding to get on it.
Charlie.

PS. I've started reading "The seven habits of highly effective people" by Richard Covey I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to start their journey.

PSPS...LOL IF you've read all of this...Thanks for staying with me, I think I'll post this on my blog...I feel great today! I'll keep this feeling for when I don't.

Looking for acceptance

This will only be a quick note as I'm sort of thinking off the top of my head, I'm looking for opinions and suppose I should post this on a board.

Do you think that we look for acceptance more than fluent speakers?

What I mean is have you ever noticed that "normal speakers" can say almost anything without stammering or stuttering or blocking or anything like that. Whereas we (me) I tend to think about what I'm going to say consider the consquences in so far as who's going to say what in reply and whether or not they will reply in positive or negative. Should I give a shit??

If people don't like what I have to say that is their problem. I'm not talking about being offensive or rude to anybody but simple, silly things like asking a family member or friend for a favour, almost subconscienciously I'm auditing their response for rejection even before I ask the question.

I've spent years alone in my head, every negative thought reinforcing the previous one and compounding my fears and anxiety around my speech. I've never really made a proper connection with anyone enough to talk about this but today....I'm going to start. Maybe it has nothing to do with my stammer, maybe it has, and therein lies the challenge.

The Interview

I was 16 when I got my first job, it was as a car tire fitter and it was through my brother, who had worked in the garage previous to me that I got the job. He pulled a few strings and I was told to show up the following morning (that was the end of my summer! And it was only the first week in June) at the time my speech was a major issue for me, I had been through a tough time in school that year and would often come home exhausted having tried to get through the day without having to say anything. The big morning came and to the best of my memory I don’t think I had thought too much about how I would introduce myself, Remember I hadn’t gone through any interview and the manager had never laid eyes on me before!

When I Got to the Garage I rode in on my bicycle and walked up to the guy in the office, “Hi my name is…….” And that was as far as I got. I broke out in a bog of sweat and after about an hour the manager was able to find out who I was and why I was there! For the first couple of weeks after that I don’t think I said two words in there, I just did what I was told and things went fine.

Jump fifteen years or so years to today, having gone through speech therapy and dozens of interviews since, some good some bad I’m a successful Senior Manager and a different person in many ways to that teenager back then. Even though my speech is 100 times better, I still have a stammer, and more to the point I still avoid situations and words that I “know” I’ll get stuck on. So to start to put an end to these avoidances I’m tackling them one by one. This week it was the Interview.

I suppose it wasn’t really as I expected because I had no intention of changing jobs, but even still I felt the usual butterflies and tension before going in. It was a relatively small agency hiring for Management positions.

My first hurdle was having imagined and played through my entrance a couple of times to prepare, When I got to the front door I had to press a buzzer to get in,

“Hi Charlie Boswell, I have an appointment with Catriona for 1:15pm”

I noticed I blocked on my name briefly and also on “Catriona” but not so bad as to appear silent.

Having filled out the usual forms I was ushered into a small office and started the interview. There was nothing that I hadn’t prepared for and after about 45 minutes it was all over. The biggest negative was that after about 5 minutes I started to sweat like a pig waiting for slaughter, This is something I’ll have to research and work on more as it happens anytime I’m put under pressure in a speaking situation, whether I’m fluent or not.

My tips and advice for an Interview.
Preparation is the key I know it’s the old cliché but it is true, even more so for somebody with a stutter or stammer. How I prepared was to rehearse all the usual questions I would be asked and also for anything that if I was asked would make me feel uncomfortable or under pressure. I also worked a lot on my mental preparation, I’m reading Stephen Covey’s book The Seven Habits of highly Effective People at the moment, and a lot of what he says can be applied to preparing for an interview.

Just into the first habit “Be Proactive” he discusses how people can choose their response to any given situation or person, I have a stammer, I can either choose to accept that and focus my attention on finding the knowledge, skills and desire to become more fluent and more comfortable with myself and my speech, or, I can listen to all my negative thoughts and feeling and continue down a path of life long low confidence, low self esteem, avoidances and so on. I hope you can guess the path I’m on!

So I chose to be relaxed, and when I did stammer, I didn’t allow myself any negative thoughts or feelings get the better of me.


Tip 1: “I can choose to have a positive or negative experience in this interview” Failing to prepare is preparing to fail.

Tip 2: Be proactive, Set up interviews for jobs you know you don’t really want, you can review them afterward, see it as practice for the big interview you are aiming for.

Tip 3: I bring a piece of paper with me everywhere these days, on it are seven key beliefs of high achievers, which I read in a Paul McKenna’s “Instant Confidence” book a while ago, they struck a chord with me when I first read them and I read them now at least once a day
They are:

Seven key beliefs of high achievers.
1. You are the expert on you
2. You are not broken, you do not need to be fixed
3. You already have all the resources you need to succeed
4. You can accomplish anything if you break it into small enough chunks
5. If what you are doing is not working, try something else
6. There is no such thing as failure, Only feedback
7. You are creating your future NOW!

Finally,
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I hope it makes sense. If you can take even one thing out of it that’s a start!

As always any comments greatly appreciated.

Charlie.

Experiments begin!

I'm off to a relatively good start, I've decided to tackling my avoidances, Last Saturday I went into a local shopping centre with two objectives, I wanted to buy a book and also get my son's feet measured.

So experiment one was to go in to the book store and ask for a "book on memory techniques". I had no problems, kept Eye contact, was perfectly fluent, the shop assistant checked for a book and even though they didn't have any she recommended anything by Tony Buzan, I took the opportunity to repeat what she had said, "what was that name again? Tony Buzan?" not a hitch.

The second experiment proved a little tougher, on the first attempt I walked into a packed shoe shop, full of mothers sitting around chatting and waiting for the same thing, this in any man's day would be stressful, so I walked out. Not to be put off I regained me composure and walked back in after a couple of minutes, this time I had no bother!. My preparation in thinking about my body language and keeping myself open and with a smile definitely helped.

Reading the blog
This was a lot tougher, I set up the camcorder and printed out the blog, pressed record and BAM not a fecking word I had one of the worst blocks in ages, probably longer than 30 - 40 seconds. I do get though it and relaxed, when I watched it back I've picked up on one or two things that I avoided and how that looked on camera. I also did a piece at the end just ad libbing and was very fluent in that piece. Doing it in front of people though (namely my wife) will be my real goal, She thinks I over analyze my speech too much, I know I don't and getting over the awkward feelings of reading this on camera in front of her will be a real challenge.

I’ll have a stammer and a pint of inadequately please

This might be a strange place to start my blog but I guess its as good as any. Over the holidays my father in law passed away, This for anyone is a hard time to get though, and I wish I could have been there more for my wife than what I was, I comforted her when she needed it, shouldered the coffin and shook hands with everyone offering condolences. But the truth be told I could have done much more had it not been for my stammer.

When it came to making phone calls to the funeral home, friends and family, I was on a scale of one to ten, probably a four or lower, I could see from her face that it was hard enough without having to sit there waiting for me to ask questions of the funeral director while I struggled to get the words out. In the end she’d take the phone or I’d just hand it over and go into another room. I knew what to ask or say, or maybe I didn’t but the point is that I couldn’t get the words out. Don’t get me wrong I can appear relatively fluent to most people most of the time but using avoidances but if it comes to a situation I can’t avoid, I stammer.

Iceberg dead ahead...
I’m beginning to come to the conclusion that there is no one factor, but a number of things that I’m going to have to work hard on to overcome and perfect methods to deal with them. Yes I have a stammer/stutter call it what you will, it is a condition that makes it difficult for me to speak sometimes, to tackle this I’m going to have to use breathing and soft contact techniques to enable me to get over words that I stammer on. Below the surface of my iceberg there is a whole raft of emotions going on that I will need to deal with one by one. The problem I’m going to have is keeping motivated and focused on the tasks I need to set myself and not allow myself get distracted along the way.

If I begin to scratch the surface I can admit to feeling inadequate or unprepared for the situation I find myself in, It can be triggered by anything, the anticipation of a difficult word, the body language of the person I am about to speak to, bad memories of a similar situation in the past.


Defining success (fluency)
This needs to be my starting point, If I don’t know where I want to get to how can I plan to get there? Success for me would be getting rid of the negative feelings that have been a part of me and my stammer (my stammer and I!) for all these years.

Success for me will be when…
The day comes that I can write in this blog and feel that I have had a day where I did not feel the negative feelings about my speech, not even once, To be able to read this blog aloud to my wife and not having the feelings of worry or impending panic because I can see a word that I used fear. Not fearing or avoiding any words.


What I need to succeed.
Airflow & soft contacts technique
I was thought this when I attended speech therapy years ago as a teenager, it it worked wonders because I used it.

Positive mental attitude
Ah the old cliché! But to be honest this is what I need, to realize that in every situation I find myself in I can have all the tools, techniques and attitudes I need to be fluent.

Commitment to tackle avoidances
If I’m going to succeed I need to break the habit of a lifetime and tackle head on all the avoidances I have, everything from not keeping eye contact to avoiding saying “Quarter pounder” and pointing at the board in McDonalds.

Support
I’m not going to be able to do this without the support of my family, This means talking to them about my stammer. This is one big avoidance in itself, and should make for good reading!!


How am I going to succeed?
Experiment
Committing to one experiment a day. These experiments will be with specific objectives and goals to be achieved and giving me honest feedback to myself and looking for feedback from others. This is where you, Joe public can help. Since I’m guessing that most people that read this will be fellow stammerers I need you to suggest situations that you find difficult to speak in, if I can use this as a benchmark I can monitor my progress.

Practice
I’m going to practice my speech by reading this blog aloud once complete. Video it and watch it back once a week. As well as that I’m going to find out about me local toastmaster club and join, should be a good measure of my iceberg.

Feedback
From you, myself, my friends and family. To use another cliché, What gets measured, gets managed.

Here’s to great 2008
Thanks for taking the time to read this, any comments would be greatly received.